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Goodbye, Dear friend...

Updated: May 21, 2019

"I did it!" I thought. "My #dream is here and there's no looking back now!" After 3 years of #writing, #editing, #redrafting, #querying with endless #rejections, sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, and more days of feeling like I should give up than I can count, my contract had arrived. "My #book is being #published!" I screamed from every street corner. I should be #happy, right? Except, I wasn't. Everything about this should be a joyous event! But I was struggling to find my #happiness. My #contract is with a #publisher I want. I actually have a say in things that are being done and I love it. It's a REAL contract! Let me say that again... It's a real contract! They are publishing my book! I am going to get paid for my hard work! I had to keep repeating that to myself because I kept feeling so sad and I couldn't figure out why. I had the dream I had been waiting on for so long. No matter what I did, no matter what I thought, my sad thoughts wouldn't go away. My dream was here, but my tears stayed.

Was I #depressed? No.

Was I #disappointed in the contract? Not at all.

Was I #worried that my book would be a flop? Definitely not. I had worked my ass off and I have all confidence in it.

So, what the hell was the matter with me? I wasn't sure.

Deciding to do something I learned in counseling a long time ago, I did some free writing. In my thought processing, I learned three things:

1. The hardest part is yet to come.

2. I'm unbelievably afraid.

3. I just said goodbye to my best friend.

And while all three of these were giving me feelings of reservation, it was number three specifically that was giving me my #feelings of #sadness. My #novel was my best friend. It had been there for me when I had no one else. When I needed someone in the middle of the night to keep me company when I couldn't sleep, it was there. When I needed to take my emotions out in a stressful situation, it was there. When I was home alone and felt afraid, it was there. In any times of distress or even happiness, my characters were waiting to laugh or cry with me. But now? They're gone. I can't make changes. It's final. It's over. I've lost my best friend.


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